Ministering to the Hurting: Three Things NOT to Say to Someone in Grief

Ministering to someone who has experienced a tragedy or loss (family death, accident, etc.)comes easier to some people in the church than others. Even professional pastors sometimes struggle to find the right words to comfort someone who is grieving.

My own experiences with grieving (both my own and others'), and the example set for me by the pastor of my own church, has taught me a great deal about how to minister to those who have experienced loss. I am by no means an expert on grieving. Rather, I have been able to draw from my own life circumstances, particularly the loss of my first baby, and have become more sensitive to the hurting, and more careful about the words that I use when I offer comfort. Those who helped my husband and I the most during our time of loss were those who did not minimize our experience by offering words such as these:

1) "I understand how you feel." These are well-intentioned words when used to try to comfort someone. However, many times this only minimizes the pain that a person is feeling, because unless you have actually been through the same type of loss, there really is no way that you can fully understand. In essence, it's like saying to him or her: "Your situation is not unique." In reality, every loss is different.

If you haven't experienced the same type of loss, a better phrase of comfort to use is "I am sorry for your loss." If you have been through a similar loss, try to identify with the person by using your own experience as a conversation starter to try to help the other person identify his or her own feelings: "When my husband died, I felt so alone, and like I didn't fit in with my old group of friends anymore. Is that how you are feeling?" Whether you can empathize or not, simply asking what kind of emotions the other person is experiencing can show that you care, and that you're genuinely interested in that person's unique situation.

2) "It will get better with time." This response to grief can come across as cold hearted. After a loss, a person may believe that he or she will never heal. It's not really practical to tell someone they will feel better in a week or a month or a year, because someone who is grieving wants to feel better now, not in a month. The first hours, days and weeks after a tragic loss is a dark time, and while you can't reverse the person's loss, you can use words like: "I will be here and I will walk with you every step of the way." This lets the grieving person know that he or she is not alone, and that you'll be there for as long as the healing takes.

3) "Let me know if you need anything." These are also well-intentioned words. But the truth is that people who are grieving often don't know what it is that they need. And like most people, grieving or otherwise, no one really likes to ask for help, and your grieving friend probably won't.

Instead, take initiative and offer specific and practical help. Think about all of the everyday things that may fall to the wayside during a period of grief, like cooking and housecleaning. Tell your friend that you are going to come over and clean her house for her. Or, prepare a dinner for him and simply drop it off at his house. There are dozens of practical ways to help someone who is suffering, and that person will be grateful to have one less meal to cook or to come home to a clean house when she least feels like doing those things for herself.

Above all, it's important to remember that there are no magic words for someone who is grieving. You don't have to feel as though you need to deliver sage advice. A hug goes a lot further than a "word of wisdom" with someone who is grieving.