Friday Funnies

I'm just beginning to get into the Christmas spirit (unlike some friends of mine who put up wreaths and break out the Christmas tunes the day after Halloween) so I thought I'd share some funny Christmas quotes, misquotes, bloopers and jokes to get you "laughing all the way......"

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"Who was Mary's husband?" a Sunday School teacher asked her young students.

An eager little boy raised his hand. "Virg" he replied.

The teacher answered, "No, Mary's husband's name was Joseph."

Puzzled, the little boy asked, "Then why do they always talk about "Virg -n- Mary?"

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While the rest of the family sang "Good King Wenceslas Looked out on the Feast of Stephen," my friend's young son had clearly misunderstood the lyrics and was instead singing "Good King Wence's Car Backed Out on the Feet of Stephen."

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Good King Wenceslas phoned for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"

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In a small southern U.S. town there was a Nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a 7-11 on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."

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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.

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Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.

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Perfect for the atheist's Christmas??????

Friday Funnies

Here's one that was told to me years ago. It was one of those "true stories" that "I heard from a friend who had a cousin who married a girl whose Dad went to this church..." or something like that. So of course it must be a true story. Or not.

Two missionary ladies were home on furlough and visiting a supporting church one Sunday morning. They were scheduled to speak briefly during the morning service about their missionary endeavors.

When they arrived at the church the chairman of the missions committee, a Mr. Harry Buttz greeted them, showed them to a seat, and told them that the pastor would call them up on stage when it was time for them to speak. The chairman then spoke briefly with the pastor and sat down in the audience.

When the time came for the women to speak, the pastor fumbled through his notes, realizing that he could not remember the names of the missionary ladies. He floundered for a moment, and then, at a loss for any other words, simply announced from the pulpit: "Would the two ladies with Harry Buttz please come to the front?"

(If you don't get it, try saying that last line aloud to yourself.)

Here are a couple more I enjoy:

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.

Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there? "

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's the Lord"

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Help me!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"

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BULLETIN BLOOPER (or Freudian slip???????): "Ushers will eat latecomers."

Have You Had Your Iron Today?

I've been reading a book* entitled You Matter More than You Think by Dr. Leslie Parrott. It's an introspective journey by the author to find meaning in her life. It's less about trying to pursue something bigger and better than what you already have.... a more lucrative job, a bigger house, more refined and cultured children... than it is about realizing that whatever we happen to be doing already is the most important, and indeed, the ONLY thing that matters right now. And it matters a great deal more than most of us believe or realize.

As part of one's own journey of discovery, Dr. Parrott encourages her readers to pursue a meaningful mentoring relationship. The idea is that, hopefully, by developing such a relationship, one that is based on mutual love for God and respect for one another, that individuals will better be able to discover just how much their own lives really matter.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man [or woman] sharpens another." That's from Proverbs 27:17. It's one of my favorite verses, because it evokes such a powerful mental picture of what a godly friendship/mentoring relationship should look like, and what can result from it.

I have a very close friend who is my "iron." We were initially drawn to each other because our husbands were both pastors. As I got to know her better, I discovered we had a lot more than professional ministry, or should I say, being "ministry widows," (a little tongue in cheek here) in common.

Dr. Parrott strongly emphasizes the deliberate pursuit of mentoring relationships, even if it means figuratively throwing yourself at the feet of someone that you may not even know, but simply admire from afar and respect as someone mature in the Christian faith, someone who could challenge you to be all that you can be in Christ. It might even require going out of one's comfort zone and mustering up courage to literally "cold call" on someone, perhaps in the lobby after church, in the lunch room at work, even on the phone.

This is how I got to know my "iron." Though I was fairly certain we had a lot in common, she's twenty years older than I am. I wasn't sure she'd even give me the time of day. "What in the world could I offer in such a relationship?" I couldn't help but wonder. But my admiration for her eventually outweighed my misgivings and made it worth a try. (The worst that could happen was that I could fall flat on my face, right? Been there, done that. At least I'd be no worse off than I already was!)

The analogy of "iron" to describe a mentoring friendship is about the most vivid, picturesque one I know. Back in the Old Testament years when iron was the latest in tool and weaponry technology, civilizations that had stumbled upon it hoarded it and guarded it as closely as Bill Gates does with his newest software developments, lest the entity loses its competitive advantage.

Iron was harder and stronger than any other tools or weaponry at the time, and the people that possessed the technology to fashion it, in this case the Philistines, were at the top of the food chain. Even the Israelites, historical rivals and sometimes enemies of the Philistines, took their own tools to the Philistines for sharpening because they had the corner on the iron market (1 Samuel 13: 19-21.) No one but the Philistines could give the old axe or hoe such a flawless edge. Their iron tools could sharpen even the dullest plowshare. And so the Israelites swallowed their pride and put aside petty rivalry for the sake of efficiently producing better crops.

Of course like all smart technological advances, the secret gets out eventually, either through thievery, bribery or experimentation. When the iron secret leaked out, the Philistines had to find a new competitive advantage. (Later they would unveil another of their latest weapons: Goliath, only to have him felled by a mere slip of a shepherd boy too small to even carry a shield.)

The iron metaphor is very true of my own relationship with my mentor. After praying it over and mustering up the courage to begin a friendship with her, I found myself wondering why I hadn't tried it sooner. The relationship has been the source of blessings so incredible that there are few words to describe it. My "iron" sharpens me by listening without judgment or criticism, even as I confess things that others might find shocking. She accepts and embraces me for who I am, mistakes, shortcomings and all. She offers practical advice without being pushy or expecting me to do things exactly as she would. She looks past the outside and sees who I really am inside. She loves me, I think, not in spite of my idiosyncrasies, but because of them.

We get together fairly regularly. Sometimes we pour out our angst to one another. Sometimes we just talk about life, work, kids, recipes, hair or shopping. We go for walks or out for coffee. We often end our times together by praying with and for one another. We aren't moving mountains, not literally anyway, but I know that she is making a difference in my life nonetheless, keeping me sharp, being my iron.

So, have you had your iron lately? I'm inclined to agree with Dr. Parrott: we all need a little bit of "iron" in our "diets." Without "iron" with which to be sharpened by, we are in danger of losing that cutting edge. Literally.

*Parrott, Dr. Leslie. You Matter More Than You Think. Zondervan Publishing. Grand Rapids. 2006. Ironically, this book was given to me by my "iron" mentor.

The Friday Funnies

I had such a positive response to my "Sign Wars" entry earlier this week, I've decided to add a weekly humor column to my blog. Here is my first ever "Friday Funnies" column, church style!



HOW MANY BAPTISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? Who said anything about change?

HOW MANY CALVINISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
None: God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists
do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and
pray that their light bulb will be the one that has been chosen
to be changed.

HOW MANY CATHOLICS does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.

HOW MANY CHARISMATICS does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit
of darkness.

HOW MANY INDEPENDENT FUNDAMENTALISTS does it take to change a
light bulb?
Only one, because more might result in too much cooperation.

HOW MANY LIBERALS does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the
light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of
the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from
alienating those who might use other forms of light.

HOW MANY MEMBERS OF AN ESTABLISHED BIBLE-TEACHING CHURCH THAT IS OVER 20 YEARS OLD does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they
liked the old one.

HOW MANY METHODISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We chose not to make a statement
either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However,
if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works
for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose
a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light
bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next
month at our annual light-bulb Sunday service, in which we
explore a number of light-bulb traditions, including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all
of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

HOW MANY NEO-ORTHODOX does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and
darkness.

HOW MANY SOUTHERN BAPTISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
At least 109: 7 on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee who
report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the
15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the
Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of
the 18-member Finance committee. If they approve, they bring a
motion to the 27 member Church Board, who appoint another
12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church
Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational
Business Meeting. They appoint another 8-member review committee.
If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting
supports the changing of the light bulb, and the congregation
votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb
change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a
7-member committee to find the best price on new light bulbs.
Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy
must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make
certain that this hardware store has no connections to
Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then
commissions the Trustee in charge of the janitor to ask him to
make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more
light bulb has burned out.

HOW MANY TELEVANGELISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send your donation
today or call our toll free line and place your donation on your
credit card.

HOW MANY YOUTH PASTORS does it take to change a light bulb?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn
out.

HOW MANY NEW-AGERS does it take to change a light bulb?
Exactly 100 all meditating at the exact same time for the exact
duration of time with the exact same meditative spiritual thought
until there is illumination. If it doesn't work this year, there
is always next year.


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Plus, a few more funny church signs.....




















Finally...... "We will all be changed..." I Corinthians 15:51. BIG CHANGE is coming to Church Coffee in the coming weeks. Stay tuned for more details!

Ten Signs that You May Be Suffering From Complainia Chronicosis

Some church people will complain about anything: the toilet paper in the bathroom is too scratchy; the courtesy pencils are never sharp enough; the carpet in the sanctuary doesn't match the upholstery on the pews; the communion bread is too dry; someone in the balcony was throwing paper airplanes onto the floor during the service again (probably the youth group,) the flower arrangements on the stage smell like a funeral home.

Complainia Chronicosis is a common problem within the church at large. The cause may have something to do with Eve sharing that wretched piece of fruit with Adam. Fortunately, a cure is possible, as the Apostle Paul had discovered (Philippians 4:11.)

You may be suffering from Complainia Chronicosis if:

1) You've been banned from the church prayer chain for sharing too many "concerns."

2) Women pull their hemlines down and their necklines up whenever you walk by.

3) People's eyes glaze over when you talk to them in the lobby on Sunday mornings.

4) There's a permanent Monday morning slot in the Pastor's appointment book with your name in it.

5) The pastoral staff has renamed the strongest brew of office coffee after you.

6) The phrase "That's an interesting point you've made" sounds like a compliment to you.

7) Strangely, the microphone "shorts out" every time you get up to "share" at church business meetings.

8) You've ever been referred to by church staff members as a "Frequent Flyer."

9) You have the Pastor's phone number programmed into your speed dial.

10) The Pastor has your number programmed into his speed dial.

If you answered "Yes" to one or more of these questions, you may indeed suffer from Complainia Chronicosis. If you answered "Yes" to more than half of these questions, you may be in imminent danger of excommunication.

Need a second opinion? If you think you might be suffering from Complainia Chronicosis, talk to your Pastor or a trusted comrade. Remember Proverbs 27 verse 6 : "Wounds from a friend can be trusted."


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I received this tidbit of church humor in the form of a forwarded email last week. It was too funny not to share with all of my readers. It's a good example of what can happen when churches disagree and the gloves come off.....

This inter-church feud began when the Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church posted this on its sign:

To which the Beulah Cumberland Presbyterian Church across the street responded:

The Catholics apparently found this disagreeable:

The Presbyterians countered with characteristic "dog"matism:

But the Catholics were unshaken:

The Presbyterians could not leave such heresy unchallenged:

This apparently gave the Catholics a good idea for a sales gimmick:

In case the Catholics didn't hear them the first time, the Presbyterians reminded them:

But in this sign war, the Catholics got the last word:

What I Need to "Remember"

TO RESPECT OR TO DEFER?



Today there are a lot of things I would like to forget. For example, I would like to forget that the dreaded Swine has visited our home. Unfortunately the afflicted one who lies upstairs in bed moaning won't let me. And so between filling my poor hubby's Tamiflu prescription, cancelling his appointments for the week, and periodically checking him for a pulse, I have been laboriously sterilizing every common surface in my home with the strongest decontaminant available for purchase without a chemical permit. I would also like to forget about how I recently hurt a friend's feelings, my Master Card bill, the fact that it's only three days after Halloween and I'm already being assaulted with Christmas decorations that are way too merry for early November, a rude remark that someone made about one of my kids, and several other things.

However, this post is about "Remembering." And I am trying to "Remember" with a purpose. I have decided to get on the Christian blogging bandwagon and jump in on the Rediscovering the Church blog carnival. (Okay Pastor Kevin, I'm really just copycatting YOU.) This week I'm exploring, along with a number of other Christian bloggers, the word "Remember" (sort of a Rorshach exercise, except with words.)

Although most of the time I am acutely aware of how little I actually know, sometimes I'll be hit with revelations that are so profoundly obvious I can't believe that it's taken me till nearly age 40 to "get it." I had one of those this week.

My pastor husband and I like to debate points of Scripture, particularly those that are not so cut-and-dried obvious. We agree about 90 percent of the time. The ten percent that we don't lends to some fiery discussion, and even, occasionally, (gasp) tears and fighting. Since he has half a Master's Degree (in comparison to my Religious Studies diploma)he almost always wins, although I occasionally manage to make a compelling point or two. This past week's hot topic was about deference.

What happens when some behavior that is committed inadvertently and without any malicious intent is perceived by someone else in the Christian community as offensive? What if this behavior is something that, although not inherently sinful in nature, causes another Christian angst in his own Christian walk? What if NOT engaging in such behavior would not negatively affect your own life, but would at the same time result in greater and deeper Christian community? In other words, would I be willing to give up my own rights in order to contribute to stronger Christian community? That's what I mean by "deference."

Allow me to illustrate with a ridiculous but hopefully persuasive word picture. Let's say that Suzy J. (any resemblance to any person real or otherwise is purely coincidental) thinks that the eating of potatoes is wrong. Mashed, baked, boiled or fried.... potatoes should never be consumed. After all, they are full of starch (which is just a fancy word for unrefined sugar) and empty calories and contain almost no nutrients whatsoever. Why would anyone WANT to eat such a thing?

When Suzy J's friends decide to eat potatoes in or near her presence, this causes no small measure anxiety for her. It proceeds to distract her from enjoying her own potato-free meal to the point that she feels ill at the sight of her plate.

Suzy J's friends know how much the eating of potatoes bothers her. Yet when they eat out together, they simply chalk up her ill feelings toward potatoes as little more than over-reaction and opposition to the freedom that each person has to choose to eat whatever he or she wants. After all, no one really has the right to tell someone else what they can or cannot eat, right? Sure, they respected Suzy's beliefs. They would never question her commitment to healthy eating or criticize her choice (at least, not in front of her.) They respected her beliefs. They just didn't share them.

So Suzy J's friends continue to eat potatoes in front of her in spite of the knowledge that they are hurting their friend. Eventually, Suzy is driven to the point that she no longer invites her friends over for dinner or joins them for lunch in restaurants because the potato rift between her and them has simply become unbearable for her. Though her friends tell her that they respect her, Suzy J. questions that respect because of their lack of deference to her feelings.

The Free Dictionary defines the phrase "to defer to" as: "to yield to someone... on some question or point." Of course, the word "yield" always refers to some form of giving up something, even if it means giving up something you are legally or morally entitled to. In other words, it sometimes means giving up your own right(s).

This concept, of course, is scattered liberally throughout God's word. Numerous instances of giving up one's rights in deference to another exist in Scripture. The apostle Paul speaks of giving up his own rights for the sake of spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ in I Corinthians 9:19-23

19Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 23I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

It seems as though Paul had mastered the concept of deference, the idea that respect isn't just about trying to understand another person's point or position. It's not even about simply allowing a person to act upon his or her beliefs and/or opinions (ridiculous or not) without interference or defending someone for standing up for something even if it's largely disagreeable or unpopular. Instead, it's about acquiescing (another fabulously colorful word, which means to "accept, comply or submit")or giving up one's own rights, beliefs or opinion in favor of another's.

Make no mistake: this is not to say that Suzy J's friends ought to give up the eating of potatoes. If in their hearts they have determined that there is nothing immoral about the consuming of potatoes, they ought to eat them freely... most of the time. But when out for lunch with Suzy, in the interest of preserving the friendship, Suzy J's friends would be wise to stay way from sides of french fries and roasted garlic mashed potatoes. After all, isn't friendship more important than food?

When I look at the issue of deference that way, it's a little bit humbling. I'm the worst person I know when it comes to deference, even in the church. Give up my rights? And so went the discussion between me and my husband. As usual, he was right (though I was reluctant to admit that out loud.) Preserving Christian community ought to be far more important to me than many of my petty little so-called "rights." In the end, I suppose that true respect can only occur as long as the element of deference is present. Otherwise, I'm really only paying lip service to the feelings of the fellow believers whom I am called to serve, uplift and uphold.

This is what I am trying to remember this week.