And You Thought Being A PASTOR'S Wife was Hard....

Next time you're tempted to give your husband the ultimatum ("Honey, it's the church or me"), remember, things could be worse. Be thankful you're not married to one of THESE ten guys:


1) Bounty Hunter:"Not tonight dear; I have to rendezvous with an axe murderer."
2) Nuclear Weapons Tester: "By the way darling, there's an 18 and a half percent chance that our future children will be born with two heads...."
3) Attack Dog Trainer: "Sorry babe, I have to work late tonight.... rush order for the Hell's Angels. By the way, my facial lacerations are healing nicely. You can hardly see the teeth marks anymore!"
4) Bomb Diffuser: "See you after work dear. Or not."
5) Dysentery Stool Sample Analyzer: Yes, this is a real job. I pity the woman married to the man who brings his work home with him.
6) Worm Taster: Also a real job. "No dinner for me tonight sweetheart. I couldn't eat another bite."
7) Snake Milker: Biblical or not (Mark 16:18), at least the "snakes" on a Deacon's board aren't full of deadly venom....
8) Bovine Inseminator: How's that for a romantic prelude????
9) Flatulence Analyst: Yes, this job is exactly what it sounds like. Even worse if you also happen to have boys at home.
10) Rodeo Clown. Now that would be just plain ridiculous.

I think I'll stay in the fishbowl for now! (Matt. 5:12)

These Walls Can Talk: Staying "Above Reproach" on Facebook

"If thine Wall offend thee, purge it. For it is better to have a blank Facebook Wall than to risk thine reputation or the reputation of one of thine Facebook friends."

That's my 2009 version of Matthew 18:9. Of course, the original version is still as relevant today as it was the day it was written. But I can't help but wonder if the apostle Matthew were alive today and were to rewrite his gospel if he would include a reference to Facebook.

It's hard for me to believe that one year ago I hadn't even heard of Facebook. Today I am an avid fan, and rarely go a day without checking to see what all of my friends are up too. It's an excellent tool for modern communication, sharing thoughts, and keeping in touch in a busy world. I've managed to reconnect with friends I haven't heard from in years. The longest-lost friend I've managed to find so far is one that I lost touch with twenty years ago, and rekindling that old friendship has been a source of joy for me.

But it didn't take me long to discover that Facebook, with all its perks and benefits, also has some potential pitfalls too. The first one that affected me personally was my near "Superwall" fiasco.

The "Superwall" application allows users on your friend list to post pictures, images and video clips directly to your profile page. Once you add Superwall to your profile, you also see in your daily feed all of the things that people on your friend list are posting on other people's Superwalls, or that your friends are receiving from THEIR friends.

It was in this inadvertent manner that I received a disturbing and arguably X-rated picture, one that had been posted by someone who was not even on my friend list, to another person who was. As my then 10-year old daughter stood looking at the computer screen over my shoulder, I innocently opened up my home page only to have this disturbing image jump straight onto my screen.

It startled me so much that I actually cried out and threw my body over the screen to protect my daughter. Fortunately I managed to cover it before she fully absorbed the image. But it was one of my first encounters with the downside(s) of Facebook.

I removed the Superwall application from my profile that very day. But the incident caused me to explore other ways in which Facebook can be potentially damaging to Christians in general, and to professional ministers in particular.

My husband shared an unfortunate story he heard recently of a minister who was applying for a position in a church. She had all the right skills and qualifications, and seemed to be the perfect candidate for the church and the position.

As so many organizations and institutions do (such as college admissions boards, secular employers and more,) this church examined the candidate's Facebook profile. Though her own profile appeared to be "above reproach," her husband's profile indicated something less than savory, and it was this that cost her the perfect job.

There are hundreds of stories of Christians and ministers who have been caught in compromising positions, circumstances and situations due to the chance taking of a photograph. Professional and lay church leaders alike have been removed from positions of leadership and authority because someone, perhaps even someone the minsiter didn't know, took a questionable cell phone picture and posted it on Facebook.

Facebook can also be construed as the gossip chain of the new millenium. Christians carelessly post opinions (even seemingly innocuous ones), thoughts and even slander, forgetting that these words are seen by potentially hundreds or even thousands of people.

Even aspects of Facebook as innocent as one's profile "Wall" are potential hotbeds for trouble. It's a good thing our walls at home don't talk, but Facebook Walls do, so keeping their language clean and respectable requires attentiveness and discernment. They may even require the occassional "purging."

I know a number of Christians who have closed their Facebook accounts because of issues like these. While this may be a respectable choice, in some ways I can't help but feel that this is akin to throwing the baby out with the bathwater. There are so many advantages to being on Facebook (quick and easy communication with masses of people, keeping in touch with friends and family, even creating affinity within your church) that a strong case can be made for the merits of keeping an active Facebook profile, and even creating pages for your church, youth group, care group, etc.

But like any other aspect of our lives, we need to apply the principles of godliness to our Facebook activities. That may mean regularly scrutinizing our Walls, being careful about the applications that we add, and even being selective about our friend lists.

When it comes to the pastor or ministry leader, we have an even greater responsibility to watch our Facebook behavior, as outlined in I Timothy 3:2, which states in part: "The overseer [pastor, leader, shepherd, etc.] must be above reproach." Reproach is defined by Merriam Webster as "A cause or occasion of blame, discredit or disgrace." This is a serious charge, one which was not meant to be taken lightly by those who purport to minister over others. Few things could be worse than your "Walls" destroying your own ministry.

Coming to Terms: When God Throws a Curveball

I've found myself pondering the meaning of "coming to terms" a lot lately. I'd always assumed the phrase meant coming to accept a particular life situation, usually in reference to a crisis or unexpected event. For example, "I've come to terms with my cancer," or some such circumstance.

But like so many other words, phrases and euphemisms in the English language, etymology often becomes muddled with the passage of time. It's sometimes surprising to find that common, ordinary words and phrases have colorful and prodigious origins.

So I set out to find the origin of "coming to terms." My quick desktop study revealed something eye-opening, a meaning that I had recently started to suspect was closer to the truth than merely "coming to accept."

I have yet to discover from whence the phrase exacted, but "coming to terms" actually refers to a bargaining process between two parties. When two entities are striking a contract, they must agree on the "terms" of the contract before either or both are willing to sign. Otherwise, parties may be bound to points or clauses which are disagreeable or even detrimental to their own interests.

And so, bargaining begins. Each side gives its own input. A draft contract is written. Then both sides examine the "terms" of the contract. If each entity finds the terms acceptable, they sign the contract. If not, they go back to bargaining, or trying to "come to terms."

Sometimes one or both sides have to give in a little, or even a lot, in order to achieve a contract that represents the best interests of each one. The cost of giving in on one or more "terms" must be weighed against the benefits of the overall contract. If the benefits outweigh those costs, then the two parties have "come to terms."

So what happens when you apply this idea to the Christian life? What happens when God throws you a curveball? You didn't ask for it, you didn't expect it, and you most certainly didn't want it. Whether it's a terminal illness, the death of a loved one or the loss of a career, is it fair to ask me to "come to terms" with it when God never consulted me first? The ball is already in play, but I didn't get a chance to weigh in on the "terms." So how, exactly, do I "come to terms" when the terms, and subsequently, the Author of those terms, cannot be bargained with?

I recently found myself pondering a curveball of my own, tempted once again to say "It's not fair." If only God would allow for changes to Term X, then I would gladly give in on Term Y. He and I could "come to terms" fairly, and this whole mess would be less painful for me.

But God cannot be bargained with. In reality, God does not ask for His children to "come to terms" with Him and His plans. Instead, He writes the contract, and then requires us to sign "as is." There is no bargaining, no pleading, no offering of favors in exchange for favors. I must simply accept whatever curveball He throws me.

Fortunately though, I do have a choice of responses. I can either stand there and be stubborn while a ball flies straight for my head (which would surely lead to more pain and disaster), or, I can accept His curveball and partake in His promise: "I will never leave you or forsake you." This particular promise, first delivered to Joshua in Deuteronomy 31:6, is repeated numerous times throughout the rest of the Bible.

Once the curveball has left the glove, there's no sending it back. So I guess I can either let it hit me in the face, or I can pick up my bat and smack it out of the park. I'll just have to make sure I ask for the biggest bat God has.

The Top Ten Things I "Love" About Being a Pastor's Wife

10) Someone always notices when I wear a new outfit, even if my husband doesn't. In fact, they're probably analyzing it with half a dozen friends. Sometimes I'll get a phone call from someone who doesn't even go to my church asking me to model it for them. Sometimes, while pastoring at smaller churches, it would even make the following Sunday's bulletin.

9) If I get a great haircut, I hear about it.

8) If I get a bad haircut, I hear about it.

7) Editing my husband's sermons.

6) Arguing over a grammatical point in my husband's sermon, and wondering why he asked for my help in the first place if he didn't really want my opinion.

5) Correcting people who assume that I can play the piano.

4) Correcting people who assume that I would love to lead the church's children's ministry.

3) Watching other people put my husband on a pedestal while thinking to myself, "If they only knew how many times I pick his dirty socks and underwear up off the floor at home……."

2) Entertaining dinner guests that my husband forgot to tell me that he invited over.

1) The never-ending life lessons on thrift: how to stretch a dollar to its maximum while living on a Pastor's salary. Value Village, here I come!



Are there any pastor's wives out there who can relate? Share your stories with me.

Vomiting the Truth

It seems clear that truth, that is, the telling of it, is a Biblical mandate. Truth is a topic that is covered hundreds of times in the Bible. Psalm 15:1-2 says, in part, "Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary.....he whose walk is blameless, who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart..." Proverbs 12:22 makes another statement about truth: "The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful." And as a body of believers, we MUST: "...put off falsehood and speak truthfully to [our] neighbor, for we are all members of one body" (Eph. 4:25.) It's apparent that truth is very important to God.

I don't know many Christians who would argue against that. I think maybe the problem with truth lies in the interpretation of what, exactly, is truth. Or perhaps, what isn't truth.

Truth is NOT opinion. In other words, just because it's YOUR opinion, it doesn't mean it's the truth. Is it TRULY how you feel? Yes. Is everyone entitled to an opinion? Of course. Is everyone entitled to share that opinion aloud? Not necessarily. Volunteering the truth in circumstances where it is not asked for or could be detrimental to the spiritual health of the believer receiving it must be considered very carefully first.

Truth is NOT uplifting in all circumstances. While the Bible makes it clear that all words spoken must be true words, it does not say that all true thoughts that pass through one's mind must always come out of one's mouth. The Bible frequently extols the value of mincing words where situations may warrant it. Consider the verse that immediately follows the one we've already looked at in Proverbs: "A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself, but the heart of fools blurts out folly" (Prov. 12:23.)

Back to that passage in Psalm 15. It goes on to say in verses three and four: "...who has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman...who keeps his oath even when it hurts...He who does these things will not be shaken." If the truth is slanderous, if it leads to gossip, if it hurts a neighbor, if it leads to promise-breaking, or if it puts a fellow man or woman in a bad light before others, truth should be kept to oneself.

Vomiting is a reflex that cannot, for the most part, be controlled. As soon as one feels the urge to vomit, it's already to late to stop it in most cases. It spews forth in all its repulsiveness, never to return to from whence it came.

Truth need not be vomited. Those who go about vomiting the truth haven't learned to practice self control. "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless"(James 1:26). Truth must be shared gently, and in love, respect and humility. If this cannot be done, then truth should be kept to oneself. Vomiting the truth simply leads to a big, putrid mess.

It's a New Year... Time to Break More Promises?

With humble apologies to my followers... clearly it's been over two months since I last posted. With that, I give you my first New Year's resolution for 2009:

- To post once per week.

To tell you the truth, that's my only New Year's resolution. I had another one... to lose five pounds, but I'm happy to say that two weeks into 2009 I've already accomplished that one. I'm back down to my healthy weight range, though I am sure I'll fight The Battle of The Bulge for the rest of my life. (See "Confessions of a Fat Girl.")

For the last couple of weeks I've been pondering "Speaking the Truth" in a spirt of truth and love. Circumstances of late in our church have brought me to a place of asking some important and hard questions about speaking the truth in a way that builds up the body of Christ rather than tears it down. I have become convinced that truth must be told in all circumstances, but must always be balanced with love and respect for one another. So I'll study that one a little bit more this week and get back to you next week with my findings.

Peace On Earth, War at Home: Advice for Engaged Couples for Avoiding Christmas Battles

Entering marriage is like getting a new job: much of its success results from on-the-job training, but if you go into it with little or no preparation at all you will be set up to fail.

As a pastoral couple, my husband and I have had the privilege of counseling engaged couples and helping them prepare them for the ups and downs of marriage. The "Ups," of course, are wonderfully easy to navigate. But it's those "Downs" that will chart a course for marital break-up if a couple is blindsided by them. That's where pre-marital counseling comes in: it helps couples to identify and anticipate those potential conflict areas before they occur, and gives them tools to solve them before they have a chance to wreak havoc on the marriage.

One potential area for conflict in nearly 100% of all Christian marriages is one that is rarely anticipated or discussed: what to do for the holidays. Times like Christmas, which most couples assume will automatically be happy and joy-filled, can actually introduce a great deal of conflict into a marriage.

Christmas is a prime example of a holiday that's rife with tradition from start to finish. When two people with two different (sometimes vastly so) sets of traditions come together and try to celebrate Christmas as a couple, the results may be disastrous if both spouses are not prepared ahead of time. The best time to talk about Christmas traditions is before getting married, not December 1 of your first year together.

I'll use a personal example. When my husband and I got married, we decided to alternate who we would spend Christmas day with. One year it would be his parents, the next, mine. Neither side challenged us on this (which isn't the case with many newly-married couples), since his parents lived in the same town, while mine lived four hours away. It wasn't as if either set of parents could expect us to go to both homes in one day.

Where the conflict actually entered, ironically, was in the Christmas dinner menu. My in-laws always cooked a traditional holiday meal of turkey or ham, potatoes, yams, vegetables, pie, the whole works.

My family was, shall we say, a little less traditional when it came to Christmas cuisine. Having had four young children, my Mom simply decided one year that she would rather spend Christmas day enjoying the delight of her four daughters instead of spending eight hours over a hot stove. We never again ate turkey on Christmas Day. Instead, we began a new tradition. Every Christmas my Mom would serve appetizers and finger foods. There were always at least six or seven different dishes, all prepared for the most part ahead of time or store-bought. We ate buffet-style, all day long. It was the only day of the year that we were allowed to eat whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted.

The first year that we spent as a married couple with my family was wrought with a small amount of angst on my husband's part. I could almost feel his turkey withdrawals. It wasn't that he didn't like what my Mom made. He was just used to something different.

This was a conflict that we weren't fully prepared for. Fortunately, after a few years it worked itself out, and both of us came to appreciate the other's upbringing when it came to Christmas. In fact, to my surprise, my husband came to adopt my loathing of turkey-roasting on December 25, and now that we celebrate Christmas on our own with our children, we too have an all-day Christmas buffet. We often compromise by having a turkey or ham dinner for New Years, a day that is far less laden with commotion and other things that would distract from the preparing of a fancy meal.

Believe it or not, an even bigger Christmas conflict beset us when we decorated our first Christmas tree. The problem: does the tinsel go on first, or last? Doesn't every reasonable person put the tinsel on first? To tell you the truth, I can't even remember which of us said "first" and which said "last." That's because after seven or so years of fighting and tears and one of us spending the night on the couch, we compromised by dispensing with tinsel altogether. (Besides, by then we had a cat that ate the tinsel and then coughed up silver tinsel balls until Valentine's Day.)

My point is that holiday conflict creeps up in the most unexpected and trivial places. And what may seem like a ridiculous practice to one spouse may be the difference between a holly jolly Christmas and spending Christmas in the doghouse. Or longer.

So couples, before you say "I Do," go out for a nice dinner together and use these questions to get your holiday conversations going:

* What was your best Christmas?

* Who usually cooks Christmas dinner in your house?

* Who did most of the Christmas shopping in your family?

* What is/was your favorite Christmas tradition?

* When do you open your Christmas gifts (i.e. Christmas Eve or Christmas Day)?

* Whose house do you usually spend Christmas at?

* Do you usually put up a Christmas tree? If so, when? (i.e. the day after Halloween? Christmas Eve? Somewhere in between?)

* Who put the star on the tree in your house?

These conversation-starters will help spark discussion between the two of you that may reveal some things you didn't know about each other's holiday experiences.

Better yet, find a pastor, church leader or counselor who has been trained in marriage preparation. He or she will be able to help you identify issues that are potentially contentious, including those surrounding holidays.


NEXT POST: Christmas...... With Kids. (Just wait till you start celebrating your holidays with a third person!)