The Friday Funnies

I had such a positive response to my "Sign Wars" entry earlier this week, I've decided to add a weekly humor column to my blog. Here is my first ever "Friday Funnies" column, church style!



HOW MANY BAPTISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? Who said anything about change?

HOW MANY CALVINISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
None: God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists
do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and
pray that their light bulb will be the one that has been chosen
to be changed.

HOW MANY CATHOLICS does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.

HOW MANY CHARISMATICS does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit
of darkness.

HOW MANY INDEPENDENT FUNDAMENTALISTS does it take to change a
light bulb?
Only one, because more might result in too much cooperation.

HOW MANY LIBERALS does it take to change a light bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the
light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of
the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from
alienating those who might use other forms of light.

HOW MANY MEMBERS OF AN ESTABLISHED BIBLE-TEACHING CHURCH THAT IS OVER 20 YEARS OLD does it take to change a light bulb?
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they
liked the old one.

HOW MANY METHODISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We chose not to make a statement
either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However,
if in your own journey, you have found that a light bulb works
for you, that's fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose
a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light
bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next
month at our annual light-bulb Sunday service, in which we
explore a number of light-bulb traditions, including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all
of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

HOW MANY NEO-ORTHODOX does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and
darkness.

HOW MANY SOUTHERN BAPTISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
At least 109: 7 on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee who
report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the
15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the
Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of
the 18-member Finance committee. If they approve, they bring a
motion to the 27 member Church Board, who appoint another
12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church
Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational
Business Meeting. They appoint another 8-member review committee.
If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting
supports the changing of the light bulb, and the congregation
votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb
change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a
7-member committee to find the best price on new light bulbs.
Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy
must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make
certain that this hardware store has no connections to
Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then
commissions the Trustee in charge of the janitor to ask him to
make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more
light bulb has burned out.

HOW MANY TELEVANGELISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send your donation
today or call our toll free line and place your donation on your
credit card.

HOW MANY YOUTH PASTORS does it take to change a light bulb?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn
out.

HOW MANY NEW-AGERS does it take to change a light bulb?
Exactly 100 all meditating at the exact same time for the exact
duration of time with the exact same meditative spiritual thought
until there is illumination. If it doesn't work this year, there
is always next year.


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Plus, a few more funny church signs.....




















Finally...... "We will all be changed..." I Corinthians 15:51. BIG CHANGE is coming to Church Coffee in the coming weeks. Stay tuned for more details!