What I Need to "Remember"

TO RESPECT OR TO DEFER?



Today there are a lot of things I would like to forget. For example, I would like to forget that the dreaded Swine has visited our home. Unfortunately the afflicted one who lies upstairs in bed moaning won't let me. And so between filling my poor hubby's Tamiflu prescription, cancelling his appointments for the week, and periodically checking him for a pulse, I have been laboriously sterilizing every common surface in my home with the strongest decontaminant available for purchase without a chemical permit. I would also like to forget about how I recently hurt a friend's feelings, my Master Card bill, the fact that it's only three days after Halloween and I'm already being assaulted with Christmas decorations that are way too merry for early November, a rude remark that someone made about one of my kids, and several other things.

However, this post is about "Remembering." And I am trying to "Remember" with a purpose. I have decided to get on the Christian blogging bandwagon and jump in on the Rediscovering the Church blog carnival. (Okay Pastor Kevin, I'm really just copycatting YOU.) This week I'm exploring, along with a number of other Christian bloggers, the word "Remember" (sort of a Rorshach exercise, except with words.)

Although most of the time I am acutely aware of how little I actually know, sometimes I'll be hit with revelations that are so profoundly obvious I can't believe that it's taken me till nearly age 40 to "get it." I had one of those this week.

My pastor husband and I like to debate points of Scripture, particularly those that are not so cut-and-dried obvious. We agree about 90 percent of the time. The ten percent that we don't lends to some fiery discussion, and even, occasionally, (gasp) tears and fighting. Since he has half a Master's Degree (in comparison to my Religious Studies diploma)he almost always wins, although I occasionally manage to make a compelling point or two. This past week's hot topic was about deference.

What happens when some behavior that is committed inadvertently and without any malicious intent is perceived by someone else in the Christian community as offensive? What if this behavior is something that, although not inherently sinful in nature, causes another Christian angst in his own Christian walk? What if NOT engaging in such behavior would not negatively affect your own life, but would at the same time result in greater and deeper Christian community? In other words, would I be willing to give up my own rights in order to contribute to stronger Christian community? That's what I mean by "deference."

Allow me to illustrate with a ridiculous but hopefully persuasive word picture. Let's say that Suzy J. (any resemblance to any person real or otherwise is purely coincidental) thinks that the eating of potatoes is wrong. Mashed, baked, boiled or fried.... potatoes should never be consumed. After all, they are full of starch (which is just a fancy word for unrefined sugar) and empty calories and contain almost no nutrients whatsoever. Why would anyone WANT to eat such a thing?

When Suzy J's friends decide to eat potatoes in or near her presence, this causes no small measure anxiety for her. It proceeds to distract her from enjoying her own potato-free meal to the point that she feels ill at the sight of her plate.

Suzy J's friends know how much the eating of potatoes bothers her. Yet when they eat out together, they simply chalk up her ill feelings toward potatoes as little more than over-reaction and opposition to the freedom that each person has to choose to eat whatever he or she wants. After all, no one really has the right to tell someone else what they can or cannot eat, right? Sure, they respected Suzy's beliefs. They would never question her commitment to healthy eating or criticize her choice (at least, not in front of her.) They respected her beliefs. They just didn't share them.

So Suzy J's friends continue to eat potatoes in front of her in spite of the knowledge that they are hurting their friend. Eventually, Suzy is driven to the point that she no longer invites her friends over for dinner or joins them for lunch in restaurants because the potato rift between her and them has simply become unbearable for her. Though her friends tell her that they respect her, Suzy J. questions that respect because of their lack of deference to her feelings.

The Free Dictionary defines the phrase "to defer to" as: "to yield to someone... on some question or point." Of course, the word "yield" always refers to some form of giving up something, even if it means giving up something you are legally or morally entitled to. In other words, it sometimes means giving up your own right(s).

This concept, of course, is scattered liberally throughout God's word. Numerous instances of giving up one's rights in deference to another exist in Scripture. The apostle Paul speaks of giving up his own rights for the sake of spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ in I Corinthians 9:19-23

19Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 23I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

It seems as though Paul had mastered the concept of deference, the idea that respect isn't just about trying to understand another person's point or position. It's not even about simply allowing a person to act upon his or her beliefs and/or opinions (ridiculous or not) without interference or defending someone for standing up for something even if it's largely disagreeable or unpopular. Instead, it's about acquiescing (another fabulously colorful word, which means to "accept, comply or submit")or giving up one's own rights, beliefs or opinion in favor of another's.

Make no mistake: this is not to say that Suzy J's friends ought to give up the eating of potatoes. If in their hearts they have determined that there is nothing immoral about the consuming of potatoes, they ought to eat them freely... most of the time. But when out for lunch with Suzy, in the interest of preserving the friendship, Suzy J's friends would be wise to stay way from sides of french fries and roasted garlic mashed potatoes. After all, isn't friendship more important than food?

When I look at the issue of deference that way, it's a little bit humbling. I'm the worst person I know when it comes to deference, even in the church. Give up my rights? And so went the discussion between me and my husband. As usual, he was right (though I was reluctant to admit that out loud.) Preserving Christian community ought to be far more important to me than many of my petty little so-called "rights." In the end, I suppose that true respect can only occur as long as the element of deference is present. Otherwise, I'm really only paying lip service to the feelings of the fellow believers whom I am called to serve, uplift and uphold.

This is what I am trying to remember this week.